Calf Chores

The following excerpt is from my future, probably-will-never-actually-be-written guide to farm life. It will be found in the chapter The Care and Feeding of Calves.

Put bottle into bottle feeder. Climb into pen and, using all available upper body strength, wrestle calf over to feeder. Stick fingers into calf's mouth in an attempt to guide it to the bottle's nipple. Calf isn't fooled and shakes head several times, resulting in skinned knuckles from calf's overly sharp teeth. Lose grip on calf due to sore fingers. Chase calf around pen a few times. Sigh in angry frustration before wrestling calf over to the feeder a few more times. Each time, the calf is too slippery and gets away. Try to keep voice down when calf stomps on tender toes encased in non-steel toed barn boots. Play Ring-Around-The-Rosey with calf before getting a lucky grab on it's neck. Get head-butted in numerous places by starvingly hungry calf looking for bottle. Yelp in pain and lose grip on calf yet again. Catch calf in far corner before wrestling calf over to the bottle one last time. Get calf to actually start drinking before it backs up too much and nipple slips out of mouth. Mentally contemplate your choices as calf runs circles around your legs, trying to find the bottle. Throw hands up in air, give up in angry frustration and stomp back to milkhouse while mentally haranguing L414 for giving birth to such a 'high spirited' animal before finding Lanny to feed that darn, pushy, wish-I-could-use-a-stronger-word calf.....