Let me tell you a story.
Back in the middle of January, two inquisitive little children found their mother's stash of pregnancy tests. Tests she needed to have on hand so as to find out if she were expecting as soon as possible in order to start her medications right away. Tests she both loved and loathed. Loved because that positive test may mean another child to love. Yet equally loathed/despised/utterly hated because those two pink lines also mean the odds of this mother carrying that child to term are so dismally low.
But I digress.
The boy and the girl decided this crinkly blue and white package was something to investigate. After all, it MUST be a present or something fun to play with or a cool gadget to show off to Dad, right? With a quick rip and a toss of the wrapper, the digital pregnancy test was reveal. Huh, that's interesting but what do you do with this thing? Eh, just toss it in the corner and let's go find our books. So off the brother and sister scampered, leaving the test laying there.
Their mother walked by a few hours later and saw that test. Out of the packaging. Not able to be saved for the next 'I just KNOW I'm pregnant' moment. She knew she wasn't that month. The chances were slim to none and she just didn't have those inklings. She'd even been checked out a few days prior and the result was negative. Besides, it hadn't been happening as easily as it had before. There were those two positive tests a few months back but that ended so fast and it was the first positive in a year and a half. She just couldn't be pg again so quickly. No, she was definitely NOT pregnant.
But something about that test wouldn't let her just toss it in the garbage. The mother picked it up and stared at it for the longest time, debating what to do with it. She'd spent good money on it after all and since it couldn't be saved til next month when it was opened, why not just use it now? It would only read 'Not Pregnant' and she could then throw it away knowing it had been used and not totally wasted. (Thus is the mindset of a woman who has a stash of pregnancy tests in her bathroom at all times. You NEVER waste a pregnancy test by throwing it out unused. E.V.E.R.)
So she did. And three minutes later, her world spun when the test blinked 'Pregnant'. She kept waiting for the 'Not' to show up too but it didn't. She shook the test, thinking it was faulty. She rubbed her eyes and blinked several times.
But the test still showed 'Pregnant'
Finally, she could no longer NOT believe it.
Looking at that one word being displayed by this little white plastic contraption, she realized that life was changing once again.
And she was right.
If you haven't guessed yet, this is my story. It's how I found out I was pregnant way back in January. Unexpected. Somewhat unhappily. Yet definitely undeniable.
And let me explain the 'unhappily' part. You see, pregnancy is not an easy joyful time for me. It's a time of terror, tears, and trauma. I've had lost 12 babies over the years and I have spotting/bleeding in the first months even with my successful pregnancies that makes it very difficult to enjoy those weeks. I have to have bloodwork done frequently in the first weeks, multiple doctor appointments in the first months, and usually 2-3 ultrasounds by 12 weeks. I'm on 2-3 medications from the moment I find out I'm pregnant til 14 weeks minimum and those meds make me drowsy, sick, trigger spotting, and extremely dizzy. My history means I have extreme anxiety, crippling fear, and even a touch of PTSD according to my therapist. In other words, I'm under incredible stress in my first months.
All of this means it's so very VERY hard to hope. Fear is my constant companion for weeks on end and even now, I still have my moments where it beats back every scrap of hope I have mustered.
But Hope is strong. It keeps quietly to itself until something comes along to fan the flames-a positive ultrasound, another day closer to being out of my high risk months, passing my loss milestones, etc.
No matter how much my mental and emotional strain conspire to stifle Hope, it's never happened. No matter how many losses I've had, I've never lost Hope that I'd have another child.
But, oh, is it hard sometimes...
